NC State speeds past UNC, 42-19

Consistency has been a weekly problem for NC State but it wasn’t an issue at all on Saturday night, and how timely that was—NC State scored on its first two possessions of the game, and nearly shut UNC out of the first quarter entirely on the way to a 14-0 lead.

UNC did eventually find a way to cut into this advantage—this is how teams running 100mph with no rules work—but Dave Doeren—Dave Doeren!!—put a foot down and said here and no farther, and faked a punt at his own 34, which resulted in a first down and a touchdown.

This was a pivotal exchange in the game—NC State retained the ball, went up 21-7, and kept a substantial initiative heading into the second half. When you put a lot of game pressure on the other team, which is worse than your team, then as it happens, as it turns out, good things can happen.

The second half was not a matter of doubt, it was just UNC trying to save face. Bill Belichick, a man who has worked in the NFL and is therefore a genius, spent four hours trying to figure out how to further inflate his jacket such that it might release him from this plague otherwise known as UNC football.

When you are the dead weight, though, it’s complicated.

If you could have told me that we’d just smack UNC over the head 40 times with Will Wilson then I’d have said, well, obviously, let’s do that, let’s smack those men 40 times over the head with Will Wilson. And so we did. I think it’s extra funny that Bill Belichick gets roasted in the cold like this, his team run over and left for dead, a rotting lack of purpose no one thought to check on.

The spotlight man, just another loser wearing Mack Brown’s jacket.

NC State won this game with little pushback, as UNC had little interest in playing spoiler. It didn’t take long to push UNC just a little bit as State scored touchdowns on its first two possessions—and there was that fake punt—that left UNC to its own devices. You do not want to leave a bad quarterback to his own devices.

But as Bill Belichick is learning—or rather, learning tomorrow, given the frozen state of his head—you either get it or you give $50,000,000 to the basketball program.

What, am I supposed to deal with their ongoing tragedy? Bitch, we’re 5-0.